Depression is one of those topics that nobody really wants to talk about but everyone wants to experience. I don’t claim to know everything about it, but I can tell you what my experience with it is like.
I remember feeling like I wanted to die as early as age 8. Not die, in a physical sense, but be somewhere else, something else, someone else. I wanted, more than anything, to no longer be a burden to anyone. I wanted to feel the light of God in my boys and be innocent. I wanted to be a good boy and grow into a good man, living my life according to scripture and God’s word.
My mother’s illness affected more in that way than I ever imagined. The feeling of knowing that I was infested with eternal sin and evil by very nature filled me with dread. I knew that I would be struggling my entire life to be righteous but no matter what I did I would fall short and I didn’t want to fail.
For me, depression wasn’t a wave. It wasn’t one horrible event. It’s a long slow, drowning. A cold wentness that never relents and follows you around, whispering endlessly in your ears, making it so hard to hear anything clearly. It clouds your eyes and steals all the warm from your heart. It makes you doubt everything, everyone.
With depression comes anxiety and fear. People don’t like to talk about that, either. The anxiety part, I mean. Almost everyone who has depression feels the tick-tick-tick of anxiety as it eats through your life. It is a constant countdown to doom in your head. Looking into everyone and everything, waiting for the next thing to hurt you and constantly being on guard for it, for all corners, all the time. Knowing that it is coming and you can’t stop it is where the anxiety comes from. You start hoping it will happen, just to get the punches over with.
Removing that from your life is the key to stopping depression, in my opinion. Once the anxiety stops kicking, it stops feeding the depression and it makes it easier to be able to move forward.